When I was in middle school, I watched the episode of Glee where Rachel and Finn have sex for the first time. At the end of the episode, an a capella rendition of a West Side Story song is sung in the background while Rachel and Finn slowly embrace. Sex is implied with shots of handholding and a fireplace in the background. I remember thinking “Wow, that’s how I want it to be for me.” I’m a sucker for a good fireplace.
Little did I know that I’d end up in in a twin bed with an obscure Modest Mouse song playing in the background. Yikes. It was awkward, we had no idea what we were doing, and the only (slightly) romantic part is that we high fived after. Not the epic romantic experience I’d been hoping for, but then again, no one’s ever really is.
We all expect that we’re going to have something like the fairytale-esque moment Rachel and Finn had on Glee, but this is seldom the case. In fact, it’s pretty much a guaranteed awkward experience all around. And if you don’t take my word for it, take it from some of the best/worst/most awkward ‘first time’ stories I’ve heard from some of my Emerson and high school friends.
Good cop, bad cop
Dan had a special friend in high school. After about six months, they decided they were ready to lose their virginities to one another. One night they spontaneously drove off to a dark parking lot in town and began to have sex. A few minutes in, Dan saw a flashlight beaming through the window. There was a knock on the door and a muffled “can you please step out of the car.” They opened the door and were greeted by two police officers.
They hurried Dan out of the car, forcing him to step out into the cold November night fully naked, and as he likes to say, “literally with his dick in his hand.” An officer pulled him aside and asked to check his ID. The other officer gave the young woman time to put her clothes back on and asked her to step farther away and out of Dan’s earshot. The officer asked her if she felt comfortable with Dan, and she reassured him that it was very consensual. The police half-heartedly asked Dan the same question, and after he agreed, the officers let Dan and the young woman get back into the car. As they were about to drive away, one of the officers left them with, “We can’t tell you where to have sex. But you can’t have sex here.” So, Dan and his friend drove off to a parking lot in the next town over and had sex there instead.
Wes was in what he refers to as a “Tinder/Grindr hookup situation” with a student studying to become a geologist. One night at 2 o’clock in the morning, he decided to drive into Boston to his Grindr friend’s apartment. Scared that the guy’s roommates would notice him coming in, Wes insisted on climbing in through the window. After Wes tumbled into the room, the two turned on a movie. One thing led to another, and eventually they started to take their clothes off. There was one problem though—they couldn’t find any lube. The resourceful geologist and amateur in the bedroom then “poured water over everything” in an attempt to get things more slippery. Apparently though, this did not work at all—it just made everything worse. Eventually they gave up and just had oral sex instead.
The bloody rug
Jasmine went home with a young man who she met at a club during her freshman year at New York University. She went up to his dorm room, and to her surprise, it was covered in fur rugs and classy paintings. They made out, had sex, and at the end he went down on her. However, this was cut short. Abruptly, he got up and excused himself to go to the bathroom. After a few seconds, Jasmine heard a scream. She switched the lights on, revealing that her hookup’s face was completely covered in blood. Embarrassed, Jasmine began to throw on her clothing. The young man tried reassure her that it wasn’t a big deal and that she could stay. However, when Jasmine looked down and saw there was blood all over his elk skin rug, she ran out and decided it would be best never to speak to him again.
If my friends’ stories have taught me anything, it’s that having sex for the first time can go a lot of different ways. No matter what ends up happening, whether it be romantic, with loads of blood, or with water as lube, at the very least, you’ll probably get a good story out of it.