“She is so important to me and I don’t know what I would do without her.” 

This comment, under a Billie Eilish TikTok edit, made me pause. Those words echoed through my head, even as I exited the app and sat with the feeling of dread that began consuming me. Something about this statement greatly unsettled me, not only because of how borderline obsessive it sounded, but also because of how sincere the commenter seemed to be. 

In that instant, I realized I was no longer mindlessly scrolling through videos on my phone, but instead became witness to—what this commenter may not realize is—an unhealthy relationship with someone who doesn’t even know they exist. It was the beginning of a parasocial relationship—one that I’m not sure either party could truly endure.  

Parasocial relationships encompass the cognitive dissonance individuals experience as they attempt to make interpersonal connections with celebrities/fictional characters from a considerable social distance. These relationships cause detachment to form, as people build worlds wherein their favorite artists and comfort characters know them inside and out. And on the Internet, these relationships are unfortunately common. 

Everyone has been in a parasocial relationship at some point in their lives. Consciously or unconsciously, each and every one of us has felt an inexplicable attachment to a relatable, notable figure. We become enthralled with the idea that our thoughts and behaviors aren’t unusual because someone else proudly displays them. 

You feel seen through the calculated and scripted actions of a figure and cling to them as hard as you can. After all, if they act like you do, they must also inherently understand who you are as well. Though they never do; just ask Chappell Roan who had to set boundaries with fans who felt entitled to her time and space because they relate to her lyrics.   

With the rise of modern celebrities and stan culture in recent years, the desire to detach ourselves from our own reality and attach to another has only grown as boundaries blur. It’s easy to fall into the entrancing cycle of escapism which so often accompanies parasocial relationships, especially when we’re given what appears to be unrestricted access to anyone’s life. Online, we see our favorite celebrities and characters more than we see our own family and friends. We may even recognize these figures better than we recognize ourselves. 

As individuals become overly interested in the lives of others, they form deep emotional attachments and struggle to distinguish this relationship from the ones they have in real life. In the end, they will view this imaginary connection as a lifeline. 

Addicted to the escapism allotted by parasocial behavior, people are trapped in these relationships. To a certain degree, these connections are safer than genuine ones since there’s no risk of rejection. For a moment, you are free to step out of your immediate surroundings and engross yourself in the life of someone who externally “gets it” without fear of being othered. I can see the appeal in that offer, especially since I once fell victim to it. 

Back when I was in middle school, I fell prey to the temptations of a parasocial relationship with Ariana Grande, as crazy as that sounds. Her lyrics articulated feelings I couldn’t seem to express. I clung onto her words for dear life as I weathered storms that no one in my life understood. No one but Grande, of course, who I was convinced was the only person I could confide in, because through her music, she recognized me.

Eventually, this infatuation with her music morphed into an obsession that I couldn’t contain. Whenever someone else brought her up, it upset me to my core because I felt like she was part of me, so no one could possibly understand her like I did. In hindsight, it seems silly, but I had lost touch with reality and was unwilling to recognize that even with her influential presence in my life, I was still ultimately alone. In the end, these connections are nothing more than products of our depraved imaginations, desperately dreaming of an escape.      

Here’s the thing I learned about parasocial relationships: once you see through the false sense of safety they impose, they become easier to avoid. After I recognized my unhinged behavior for what it was, I was able to move on. I can finally admit that I have experienced the dangers of parasocial relationships firsthand, and can testify that no amount of temporary comfort could ever replace the loss of my identity and sanity.    

Your life shouldn’t rest in the hands of a person who doesn’t even know who you are, and therefore can’t be your primary source of motivation. As harsh as that sounds, we can’t depend on celebrities and fictional characters to save us from ourselves—only we can do that.  

Let’s never get to the point where we can no longer discern reality from fiction. We can’t tread a fine line between innocent admiration and obsessive dissociation too closely, because the risk of overstepping it isn’t that of losing a “relationship.” We cross that line and we risk losing ourselves for good. 

So remember, the people you idolize are not your friends.