Dear Auntie Em, 

My friend likes this guy and she wants to get him to ask her out. She refuses to text him because she doesn’t want to seem clingy, but he hasn’t done anything yet. What should I tell her to do?

Also, what’s the deal with umbrellas? They’re handy-dandy and all, but people can’t seem to understand that they have metal points projected along the edge and they hurt! Why can’t people just wear hoods or learn how to control their umbrellas?

Sincerely,

Bagel Lover

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Dearest Bagel Lover,

To avoid confusion I am going to address each of your concerns in numerical order.

1. “Clingy” is when you forget to use a dryer sheet.

If your friend wants this young gentleman to court her, she must also be willing to court him. My first husband Charles, would have never asked me to attend the town barbecue that fateful day in May had I not winked at him from over the top of my hymn book the Sunday before. Perhaps things are different these days, but I suspect your friend can send one   coy text message without coming across as over eager.

2. When it comes to umbrellas my advice is simple: You can’t beat ‘em, so you gotta join ‘em. Trying to dodge umbrellas as you rush through the rain is, as you say, not only frustrating but terribly dangerous.  In a perfect world more people would wear jackets, but for now plan on adding 15 minutes to your commute and enjoy a leisurely walk beneath protection of one of the world’s silliest looking inventions.

3. I also love bagels.

Auntie Em