EVERETT, Wash. – Marshall Byers, 28, was charged in December with attempted murder of his ex-wife’s boyfriend, who was later treated for five stab wounds. Byers was dismayed to be charged with merely “attempted” murder. He allegedly told a detective, “What? I thought I stuck him like a pig.,HE DIDN’T WANT HIM TO PORKER

EVERETT, Wash. – Marshall Byers, 28, was charged in December with attempted murder of his ex-wife’s boyfriend, who was later treated for five stab wounds. Byers was dismayed to be charged with merely “attempted” murder. He allegedly told a detective, “What? I thought I stuck him like a pig. What do you mean he’s alive?”

AN ABRIDGED ROMANCE

SEA BRIGHT, N.J. – Adam Koppel, 25, was charged with disorderly conduct after jumping off a bridge into the Shrewsbury River last week. Koppel told police he was trying to impress a woman he was taking on a second date. It took four police officers, a bridge worker, and two Good Samaritans to rescue Koppel from the frigid water. The woman told Sea Bright Police Chief William Moore there would not be a third date.

CHRONIC BINGO PLAYER IN THE JOINT

SIERRA VISTA, Ariz. – Leticia Garcia, a 62-year-old grandmother, was caught with 214 pounds of marijuana in her car’s truck on the way to a bingo match last year. She was sentenced to serve three years in prison and pay $150,000 last week. Prosecutor Doyle Johnstun argued Garcia had started running weed to support her bingo addiction. “The underlying issue is that she’s got a bingo problem, which explains why an otherwise nice person might get sucked into something like this,” he said.

HEADS UP

ANTWERP, Belgium – Mozart, an iguana that had an erection for over a week, will have his penis amputated this week. Veterinarian Luc Lambrecht tried to treat the problem, but decided to amputate for fear of an infection. He told Reuters Mozart’s sex life should be unaffected by the amputation, because male iguanas have two penises. “It doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t know what amputation means. [The erection] is all in his head,” he said.

SWM WITH KILLER LOOKS

ROTHSCHILD, Wis. – Arkansas police tracked down Calvin Bennett, 26, suspected in an elderly couple’s murder, after a Wisconsin man saw him on “America’s Most Wanted.” The man had seen Bennett’s profile on the online dating site used by his sister. Bennett’s profile name was “ShySothernGuy80” and he described his perfect date as “a nice romantic dinner with soft music, followed by a romantic walk or a carriage ride.”

*This week’s briefs were compiled from AP, Reuters, the Minneapolis Star-Tribute, and the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.