Dear Auntie Em,

I’ve begun to develop a fungus on the bottom of my feet. My suitemates have requested I wear flip-flops in the shower, but I do not like the way they feel. What should I do?

From,

Bigfoot Problems

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Dear Bigfoot,

My second husband, Saul, took me hiking through the mountains of Israel on our honeymoon. We stopped at this adorable hostel which was just perfect—except for the showers. It seemed the staff preferred not to clean them. Ever.

Saul convinced me to brave them, and as I shampooed his back hair I noticed moss growing on some tiles. We soon became victims of fungal growth.

I’m not in the habit of doling out medical advice, so I suggest you seek help from a doctor for a more permanent solution—but in the meantime, you’d best listen to your suitemates. Slip on some sandals.

Assuming you’re not a horrible human being, I’m sure you don’t want to spread your misery to others. And even if you are, I’m sure you don’t want to listen to them complain. If you give your suitemates foot fungus, they will make your life unbearable.

Scrub a dub dub, love,

Auntie Em