Dear Auntie Em,

I have the most repulsive suitemates. It’s not just their lack of care for their environment and bodies that I find repugnant, but also their ways of life. I’ve found used condoms under the couch, piss around the toilet, and food in the bathroom sinks. Loud music and partying extend through the night, and then the lazy bums find the nerve to sprawl out on the couch and sleep. What insults me most is their lethargy. I’m busting my butt from 7 a.m. into the night, and these pigs barely make it to class. How should I tell them to get their shit together?

Sincerely,

Female Resident

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Dear Female Resident,

First you must face the most unfortunate fact: you can’t teach them proper female etiquette.

When I was between divorces, I was put in a similar living arrangement, as I did not have the funds to live on my own. These ladies were my bingo-gals for life, but sleeping under the same roof was horrid! They were tiny tempests armed with parasols!

I brought them to Sunday Tea, arranged dinners with former debutantes, but it was no use. They made flotsam of my crumpets and jetsam of my fine china. Some people are just piles of trash sewn together with good intentions. If they were raised accustomed to a certain manner of life, it’s not your fault they’re so filthy!

But here’s what you can do: sit down with your roommate and discuss the cleanliness of your own room. Explain to them that hygiene is more than just a friendly greeting.

Then, outline a system whereby you and your roommates can have the best of both worlds. Let them do what they want in the common room, but ask that gale force winds stop short of the bathroom. If they are living with you, they have to respect you. But you have to respect them. Pick the spot that’s most important to you (for me it’d be a clean restroom, eek!) and mark it as your territory. And as for the dirty common room, just find a handsome young thing to spend your time with and stay out of there!

With my dearest concern for your health,

Auntie Em