Found quot;Lostquot; Characters

With “Lost,” you never know when a character is going to be washed ashore or ride in on the back of a polar bear. In her article last week, Beacon news editor Gabrielle Dunn observed the characters’ philosophical roots, which are overtly apparent in their last names (and, in some case, their full name); such cast-aways as Danielle Rousseau, John Locke and Desmond David Hume parade around the island and often find their storylines intertwining.

It’s not exactly subtle-then again, it’s ABC. Now that the WGA strike is over and the writers of “Lost” might be a bit rusty, we thought we’d offer a service and provide some character ideas to brainstorm over:

Jeremy (“JP”) Sartre: Fatalistic Frenchman who habitually smokes a coconut pipe and wiles away his days having sex and binging on a mysterious cache of red wine. Sabotages the crew’s escape missions, claiming there’s no exit.

Harold Beckett: A dry-witted cad who feels alienated by the island and its inhabitants, often whining about his supposed malaise. He builds a shack with Sartre at the end of the island and waits for a boat that never comes.

Coco de Beauvior: Laments the futility of getting along with Jeremy Sartre and attempts to establish matriarchy on the island, but unfortunately Michelle Rodriguez is not around anymore to enforce it. She resorts to kidnapping John Locke and forcing him to be her sex slave.

Paul Stuart Mill: Lobbies to vote Hurley off the island because he’s consuming an unfairly high amount of resources.

Michael Socrates: Earns the ire of everyone on the island with his rhetorical questions, such as “Why aren’t there more young men on this island?”

Ian Kant: Discovers a four-seat jet in the forest, but after a long period of contemplation, decides to leak all of its gasoline as not to hinder the camaraderie among the marooned-folk.

Aaron Rand: Tries to murder Jack and Sawyer to get closer to Kate. Consistently proclaims his individual spirit and attempts to foil the others by refusing to collaborate on bamboo rafts and during arts and crafts time, referring to them as “pink commies.”

Petra Singer: The idealistic young “Other” who holds Claire’s baby hostage in vengeance after it is revealed that the Island’s inhabitants have been indiscriminately stepping on hermit crabs and sand fleas.