Dear Auntie Em, 

I have three fantastic girlfriends I’ve met this year and we mesh perfectly. Our only problem is we can’t find any guys that would fit well in our friend group. Do those nice guys that you can just be friends with still exist in college life or are they all just looking for one night stands? Please help, Auntie!

Sincerely,

Hoes Needing Bros

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Dear Hoes Needing Bros,

There are easier things in life than finding a nice man, like nailing jelly to a tree or keeping your eyes open when you sneeze.

Nice men do exist, but it takes concentration to find them. I was quite confident that the last nice man was gobbled up by my late friend Muriel Wipple when she whisked him off to Europe in the summer of 1954. The disappearance of wholesome shows like Leave it to Beaver and the spectacular rise of the “badonkadonk” in the national dialogue have contributed to the paucity of pleasant men. Sociologists now believe that modern men are actually all extras from the serial novella, Where’s Waldo?

All modern men are vandals, pirates, or marauders. I am generalizing, but as is routinely the case when I generalize, I don’t care.

The key is to find a guy and make him nicer. I remember the first days with my fourth husband Edmund. I was not certain about him. Each night, before the dinner plates were even cleared, he would get hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch! While I took his concupiscence as quite a compliment, I knew that matrimony required something that lasted longer.

The same is true of friendship: The good ones take time. I’ll bet your three girlfriends weren’t best friends at first sight; your fourth friend won’t be either. All good things come to she who waits.

Keep holding out,

Auntie Em