Witness Protection

Dear Auntie Em,

Last weekend, I had sex with a girl who lives in my building. I was very drunk and probably shouldn’t have. Now, this girl won’t leave me alone. She’s obsessed, and I’m frightened. I’ve been giving her

clear signs that I have zero interest, but her texts are constant. I’m afraid that I’m going to go back to my room one day to find the walls will be covered in Saran Wrap, and she’ll be waiting there with a machete. Once she magically knew my location, even though I was at a small get-together with a few friends off campus. Save me.

With reservations,

Put Me Into Witness Protection


Dear Witness Protection,

That is called karma.

One-night stands, especially with people seen on a frequent basis, are seldom good ideas. The biggest exception, of course, was my fourth husband, Edmund. I met him on the shuffleboard deck of an Alaskan cruise. Of course we were drinking and not playing, but a whisper and a wink later…I woke up in his arms.

What I’m trying to say is: Maybe you should give this girl a chance. If all you know about her is her preferred sexual position, there’s probably a lot more to discover. Maybe you like the same movies, listen to the same music, or love the Sunday crossword. It couldn’t hurt to find out.

And if that doesn’t pan out, be frank. Tell her exactly how you feel. Unless she’s actually as psychopathic as you describe her, she’ll understand. Or maybe she’s reading right now and has filled in the blanks.

Either way, don’t forget about your legal options. If you’ve truly exhausted every avenue of disentangling yourself, consider a restraining order. Drastic? Yes, but your physical safety is worth it.

Hoping you used a condom,

Auntie Em