It’s official—Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox have become the celebrity equivalent of that gross high school couple that would make out under the stairwell in between classes or better yet, the couple that could be seen making out on the “Friends” couch in the Lions’ Den.

I became a fan of MGK, real name Colson Baker, after his role in the Motley Crue biopic The Dirt. When Baker and Fox first started dating, I was genuinely excited. I had watched Baker parade through short-lasting relationships with the likes of Sommer Ray, Chantel Jeffries, and possibly Noah Cyrus. 

I sincerely hoped that Baker and Fox would last and that she would get him back on the track that he had been quickly derailing from. It was clear to fans that Baker, by his own admission on the Hotel Diablo album, was backsliding into old drug habits and suicidal tendencies. Obviously, it’s not a woman’s job to fix a man, but the flings he was constantly in and out of surely weren’t helping the situation. 

Boy did I get what I wished for. If only I had known what I was really asking for back then.

While Baker and Fox’s relationship was only made public in June 2020, fans speculated something more than friendship was going on between the two when Fox starred in Baker’s “Bloody Valentine” music video. Admittedly, I was one of them.

Genuinely, I thought Baker and Fox would last six months at most. Machine Gun Kelly is not known for having long-term romantic partners. Baker’s relationship with Sommer Ray lasted just under three months, and ended with her picking her stuff up from his house on his birthday amid cheating rumors on Baker’s part. 

The first time I realized how serious they were was a few days after their relationship was confirmed, when Baker posted an Instagram story saying he was in love. 

But the first time I realized how weird they are was when they guest-starred on a podcast together a month after their relationship became public. I listened to the podcast, titled “Give Them Lala … with Randall,” while I was at work, and well… that was a choice.

In the episode, Fox and Baker discuss their astrological charts, how they met, and Fox’s belief that the two are “twin flames.” 

Look, I believe in astrology as much as anyone at Emerson College, but the whole concept of twin souls and being fated to be with someone is far-fetched even for me. 

I knew from that moment on that this relationship was going to be a hell of a ride. 

Things got really weird again in November when Fox said in an interview that “Loving [Baker] is like being in love with a tsunami or a forest fire. The intensity of merging with him is just overwhelming, and the threat it poses is so powerful but so beautiful that you have no choice [but] to surrender with reverence and with gratitude.”

I am genuinely left speechless every time I read this quote. I have no words to describe the weirdness apart from the fact that this sounds word for word like something from a Wattpad fanfiction.

In Feb. 2021, Baker revealed in an Instagram post that he wears a drop of Fox’s blood around his neck. I genuinely knew weird emo kids in middle school—I say that in the nicest way because I was also a weird emo kid—who wore their boyfriend or girlfriend’s blood around their neck.   

However, in this case, it’s not cute, it’s just weird and nasty. Both Baker and Fox are in their 30s, they should not be acting like middle schoolers. 

And then of course in May, Fox and Baker attended the Video Music Awards in matching outfits and traumatized the photographers on the red carpet with their public displays of affection. Memes abounded on Twitter about how Baker looked like a victim of one of Fox’s characters Jennifer, a soul-sucking demon, in the movie Jennifer’s Body.

Between the ill-fitting suit, the painted black tongue, and the bags beneath his eyes, Fox looked like she was stealing Baker’s soul to look amazing in her strappy dress and flawless makeup. If that was the case I would be here for it. 

Then we get to fall 2021, when Fox and Baker officially surpassed cringy high-schooler status. Between the incident at the MTV music awards where Fox referred to Baker as her “future baby-daddy” and the now-infamous “I am weed” quote, I’ve had enough of their relationship to last a lifetime.

The actual full story of the quote is that the two ran into each other at a party before they officially met, and Fox told Baker that he smelled like weed, prompting him to respond with the iconic line—“I am weed”. Apparently, the two don’t remember seeing each other’s faces, and believe it’s because “[they] weren’t supposed to run into each other that night, so [their] souls, [their] spirit guides, were luring [them] away from each other.”

While the “I am weed” quote is hilarious, the entire couple’s interview for GQ magazine is insane.

In the article, the two detail how they didn’t really kiss for their “first kiss,” and instead just breathed each other’s breath. They also tell the interviewer that their relationship is “ecstasy and agony,” and the “darkest fairy tale.”

All of this sounds like it came straight out of a high school couple’s Instagram bio after announcing their engagement at the ripe age of 18. 

One of my favorite things that Fox said in the GQ profile is “our souls chose this to absolutely have to face our shadow selves; to face things about ourselves we didn’t want to have to know, that we tried to push away.” It’s such a wild quote that I don’t even begin to know how to wrap my head around.

Honestly, I think both Megan Fox and Colson Baker have reached the point where they’ve become so cringy that they’ve stopped being the standard for hot. I wish they would stop posting their relationship on social media, so I can stop losing my mind. 

The entire relationship reminds me of the iconic “Is this allowed” Vine where someone points at a couple displaying intense PDA in what appears to be a Panera Bread. I could unironically see Baker and Fox doing this while out in public, because, well, we all have for the entirety of their relationship. 

The only reason they haven’t been bullied off the internet is because everyone is in love with Megan Fox, and we feel bad for bullying her in the past. In the early 2010s, it was common for Fox to be oversexualized by men on the internet, who would make fun of her “toe thumbs.” Bullying in any context isn’t great, but maybe Fox and Baker need to be put in their place just a little bit.

At least for Fox, this relationship makes a bit more sense as she was in a relationship from the time she was 18 to 34. Baker doesn’t have that excuse because he’s been in and out of relationships for 10 years. He should have learned to not act like a horny 16-year old boy by now.

But hey, I guess maybe he’ll finally learn to grow up next summer. Famously, people learn to grow up when they’re 32 all the time. 

Right now, it seems like they’re enjoying whatever the hell this is, but I wonder how much regret they’re going to have when they inevitably break up and look back on this period of time later. 

My prediction is that the couple has another year tops before it ends, but I’m honestly terrified of what kind of weird cringe they’re going to get up to before then.