Dear sweet generation of sluts, one-night-stands, situationships, hookups, Tinder “dates,” and friends with benefits,

I love and appreciate how we’ve destigmatized casual sex. I really do. However, I hear a lot of people refer to all of these sexual encounters as having “no strings attached” or “no emotions involved” and that’s just not true.  

The first thing I think of when someone tells me they’re having “emotionless sex” is that they feel apathetic—they don’t care about the sex, they’re just fucking. And outside the fact that apathy itself is an emotion—they obviously care about appearing like they don’t care—this description just makes me think that the sex probably isn’t very good. You mean to say that you are having sex without feeling anything before, during or after? That’s going to be a hard pass for me. 

It’s routine for people our age to be complacent about this kind of sex. It’s almost competitive. I’ve been with people where it was simply a contest to see who could care less–I was barely even focused on the sex because I was too obsessed with coming off as laid back. In college especially, I have met so many people whose mental states are torn up by the sex they claimed meant nothing. It’s “no big deal” until they don’t text you back for a few hours, or you hear they’re hooking up with someone else, or they get into a relationship. Then things start to unravel. 

When you deny yourself the opportunity to be vulnerable with someone you’re having sex with, you tie yourself up in knots. If you’re having sex, it should make you feel good, it should improve your mood, and it should be communicative, even if you don’t want to date the person your fucking.

I want to feel something towards the person I am having sex with. A lot of people seem to confuse not being in love with someone, with not feeling any emotions towards them or their respective sexual interactions. It doesn’t always have to be love. It could be attraction, tension, frustration, comfortability, release. A lot of these emotions are often the root of sex. 

Sexual satisfaction doesn’t just come about from finishing. Someone could be doing all of the right things, but if you can’t feel anything towards them it’s probably gonna be a pretty mediocre experience. Thinking about “setting the mood” reconfirms this. Yes, the music should be good and the setting should be comfortable, but you should also feel confident being completely vulnerable. That is the most important mood to set. If you don’t know where you stand with someone, or feel like you can’t communicate with them, how is that really going to translate in a sexual relationship? A friend from my previous school would have one night stands with guys and every morning-after-debrief would involve her saying “Yeah I came, it was fine I guess, he’s probably gonna ghost me or I’ll ghost him.” The lack of genuine intimacy or even decency was a barrier for her truly enjoying her sexual endeavors. 

Imagine you’ve been having “emotionless” sex with someone regularly, and all of a sudden they ghost you. Okay, big deal, you’re not in love with them, but now where is all that built up energy and libido going? All of the attraction, tension, and comfortability is still there too. It will likely take time for you to get over those emotions or to find someone who makes you feel the same things. Maybe it’s already time to find someone else to have sex with. What’s the driving force behind that decision to hookup with someone new? Emotion, desire, and in more crude terms, horniness. 

Fucking or not fucking has palpable effects on human emotion, and even ones that are scientifically proven. Oxytocin and dopamine are the two most prominent hormones released during sex, and both serve to increase mood, reduce stress, and clear your mind. Harvard Health Publishing describes oxytocin as “The Love Hormone,” but clearly it doesn’t only affect people who are in love. The article identifies “touch, music, and exercise” as a few stimuli that can prompt the release of oxytocin. Coincidentally, sex can and must involve at least two of these things, if not all three. This release of “The Love Hormone” can assist with “relaxation / trust / overall psychological stability,” all of which foster an emotional response to sex.  

I am in favor of having casual, judgment free sex, with someone you don’t love (or someone you do). I think it’s a healthy means of self exploration and a practice in intimacy. 

It has taught me a lot about how to trust and connect with another person, and built my confidence in my body and communication skills. Having casual sex with different people allowed me to assess what I do and don’t like in the bedroom, both physically and emotionally. 

These casual experiences all induced a lot of emotions. Not love, but emotions. I was confused about what I wanted. I was treating sex like the ultimate form of validation. I was insecure about the fact that I cared what the people I was hooking up with thought of me. Most importantly, I was into those people, and I wanted them to be into me too. My choice to acknowledge those emotions—rather than pretend they didn’t exist—has better equipped me to have productive and caring sexual interactions in my current relationship. 

I am truly desperate for everyone to be honest with themselves about the inevitable emotions connected to sex. Sex can be positive, it can be negative, but I don’t believe it can be truly neutral. 

So, to those of you who still claim to be having “emotionless sex,” please for the love of god find someone else to have sex with. Those emotions you’re supposedly not feeling are indifference and dissatisfaction.