Emerson College’s only independent, student-run newspaper since 1947

The Berkeley Beacon

Emerson College’s only independent, student-run newspaper since 1947

The Berkeley Beacon

Emerson College’s only independent, student-run newspaper since 1947

The Berkeley Beacon

Your first time: don’t let these things turn you off

Rachel Choi
Illustration Rachel Choi

Opinion editors are not responsible for agreeing or disagreeing with their writers but rather elevate each individual’s specific voice.

It was a random Tuesday in December 2019 when it hit me: I’m ready to do the deed. I coordinated my birth control, gave myself several pep talks, and then his dingity didn’t even dangin’ dong so we had to try again the next day. 

Losing your virginity cannot be talked about enough, which is why, yes, I’m writing another piece on it. If you’ve been an avid follower of my “sex column” (I don’t blame you if you are), then you remember my take on getting attached after your first time having intercourse. I simply had to expand on this topic, especially when a new piece of advice comes to mind every time I walk by the Little Building and see red LEDs shining. 

Historically, the purposes of sex were few in number and simple in essence: reproduction, pleasure (mostly for men), and relief of sexual tension (also mostly for men). As time has progressed, this mindset has drastically changed, and thank God for it. Now, it’s about romance, mind-body connection, intimacy, and ideally orgasms. It’s about different positions and waxing your body so you look good posed like a human pretzel. With all the fun, though, comes pressure and angst. 

The experience of losing your virginity is unique to each individual, which is why I want to discuss arguably the three most important aspects of it: who, where, and how you feel. 

The Who

The person you choose to take this step with plays a key role, and not just literally. Giving your body to anybody in this manner is nerve-wracking, especially because of the nature of sex and the unnecessary societal expectations that come along with it. 

Embarking on any sexual journey—whether limited to hands and/or mouths or hitting a home run—is subject to every human’s comfort. Thus, when it comes to losing your virginity, the person(s) sitting across from you can either be experienced, or not. 

When both (or more) parties involved are in the same stage of their physical venture, it makes the whole process significantly easier. You and whoever are not only exploring this part of life together, but also learning with and from each other. However, when your partner has done it all, things can get sticky. 

Let’s be real, losing your virginity to a non-virgin is scary. They have more knowledge, and with that comes more expectations. It’s true that the other person will compare their bed buddies—that’s human nature—but that doesn’t need to get in the way of your experience. Be open and express what you want, because guess what: communication is key. 

Also, being with someone who has more practice doesn’t automatically mean they’re perfect in the sack. Rather, think of their prior experience as a dress rehearsal, but you’re the main act, baby. They’ve rehearsed, which means there’s a greater chance of smooth sailing rather than rough seas and no O’s.

The moral of the story: do not let “the who” and their past efforts deter you from making your sexual experience your own, and one that is positive. 

The Where

Location is almost as climacteric as your actual climax. Often, you can’t even reach the tip of the iceberg if you choose to get naked in a risky space. 

As college students, most of us have roommates—and many of us, unluckily, directly share a room with another person. I could hold my roommate’s hand from my bed when we lived in Piano Row, so yes, it’s a challenge. 

How can you take this drastic step without the fear of being walked in on? Well, either you get a hotel room, sexile your roommate, or suck it up (maybe literally?). 

Sexiling is tough. It’s a tough conversation to have and an awkward avenue to take, but communicating your needs can never really go wrong. And it’s not like you won’t return the favor, right? Accommodating to college living means you adapt to whatever difficult situations may arise. Now that can mean asking your roommate to clean up their side of the room, or to go sleep on the couch for about 15 minutes (unfortunately). 

Apart from the fear of interruption, choosing a location to lose your virginity means you have to ask yourself: in what setting will I be most comfortable? Do I want to see roses and candles around me? Do I want immediate access to a shower? Do I want to be close to an emergency contact? All of these questions are vital to creating an experience that is for you.  

The Mentality

Giving such a huge piece of yourself requires getting bare both literally and figuratively. Taking the step to lose your virginity is not usually done in a split second—it takes introspection to understand why you even think you’re ready. Personally, I held off because the idea of having sex terrified me unless it was with someone I was in a relationship with and loved. At the time, I believed I was in love, and regardless of how that relationship ended, I am satisfied knowing at that moment I felt safe and ready. 

Your mentality when putting yourself in such an intimate and emotional situation is crucial, and will either make you quake or fake. Before you even take that first sock off, genuinely ask yourself if you’re ready. Is this the right time, is this the right place, is this the right person? Then, take it slow, and you’ll know you’re ready when those questions float away and your mind-body connection is focused on the person(s) with you. 

The aftermath is a whole other experience. Some people want to immediately shower, some want sweaty cuddles, some cry, some cut their hair (me). An array of post-sex emotions are normal—don’t push any feeling away, because this is also a core part of your sexual journey. Recognizing what type of aftercare you prefer is the cherry on top of poppin’ your cherry. 

The time comes when you know you’re ready to open yourself up to someone. Naturally, there’s fear tied along with it because we have been programmed to think sex is so sacred—and it is, but not in the way that’s historically been told. The act is emotional, it is baring, it is pleasurable, and it is awesome. But it’s only as awesome as you allow it to be, so use that power and go nut(s).

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About the Contributor
Mariyam Quaisar
Mariyam Quaisar, Managing Editor
Mariyam Quaisar (she/her) is a senior journalism and BCE double major from Brookfield, Connecticut. She served as editor-in-chief and business operations. She loves to share her views on “unconventional” topics and will never turn down a steamy plate of chicken wings. 

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